I haven’t posted anything in a long time. Why? Well, I fell into a habit of just “getting through” the day. You know that feeling when you say to yourself:
“Only one more hour until the kids are asleep.”
“Only thirty more minutes and it’s nap time.”
“It’s 5:00 A.M. and the baby is wide awake, I guess we’ll go shopping at the 24-hour grocery store. At least she’ll be strapped to a cart and I can have my coffee as we shop.”
“If we go to the jungle indoor play park we can waste two hours.”
I fell into a pit of self-pity and despair. I even told the baby, who is very rambunctious and adventurous, that her sister and brother are lucky she was born last or they would not exist.
Maybe it seems worse for me since I am over forty. Yes, that’s it…I’m just old. I look into the future filled with me being old and not able to retire. I see our friends enjoying each other as a married couple without the hassle of taking two little ones everywhere with you. How nice it must be to just take off to a weekend getaway whenever you want. It may be harder for me because I am over forty. That’s the self-pity part I’m referring to.
Am I unappreciative of what God has given me? Yes, I am. I feel horrible about it. Yet, I have this overwhelming sense of low self-worth. The kids are sucking the life out of me. I keep thinking how I would love to have a successful and more lucrative career. Then I think I’m forty and if that hasn’t happen yet, I’m not sure it will. Oh my then I feel like I’m a loser! But how can I even think about a career when I have to attend to sick kids, athletic events, doctor appointments and such? Those kids!
Why am I blaming the kids? It’s the life I chose. To put family before work. Have I put God above everything else? No. Right now I am battling with myself. I’ve lost me in this process. What is my purpose in this life?
So I’m cleaning my bedroom and dusting the books while at my lowest moment of mental anguish dwelling whether or not I should pursue a “big time” career and just give up on raising kids, when I dust the book “The Purpose Driven Life” by Rick Warren. I read it several years ago during a different time in my life – one not so crowded with snotty noses, whining and temper tantrums because she can’t have a brownie in the bath tub. It dawned on me that this book was in my dusting way for a reason. So I put it on the bed for that night’s reading.
I forgot about this forty-day journey the book takes you on. A rush of excitement and wonderment went through my soul as I opened the book.
Day 1: It’s not about you. It all starts with God.
Wow! What a slap in the face! What a wake-up call! It’s not about me. If I focus on myself, I’ll never discover what God’s purpose is for me. It all starts with HIM. He has a greater plan and I am part of it even if I’m not sure what my part is. I must trust and have faith in the Lord that my purpose fits into His plan. I can’t choose my purpose in life, God has it planned for me. So why bother trying to figure it when He has it handled? Thanks God! That’s one less thing I need to stress about now.
I will be writing about my forty-day journey as I read the book. Already I have discovered more happiness. After reading the first day, I came home after work with the kids and decided we would play right away instead of diving into household chores. It made a huge difference. There was more laughter in the house instead of the usual whining and crying. For the first time in a long time, I was having fun with the kids again.