Ever wanted to relieve your mind of all the thoughts, memories and opinions you have? I have a lot of cloudiness in my brain. The clouds are created by anger, things from my past and how I currently view the world. I let it all build up inside and sometimes I just want to scream. Some days are more frustrating than others. With social media there seems to be two types of people: the perfect-lives and always happy or the always complaining and nothing ever goes right. Why not display the truth?
I don’t have a bad life. My life is filled with many blessings but I don’t appreciate them. That’s the truth. The other truth is I have yet to put God first in my life. When I at least try to put Him first, I have a sense of happiness and direction in my life. The issue is I fall off the wagon with this concept. I also feel that I am underserving of His love. I started this blog to help me in the right direction but I rarely blog. I’m tired of the religious fighting going on in the media. I’m tired of my redundant life. I’m just tired. These are my truths.
I’m a working mom of three and my mind never gets to rest. Wake up in the morning and get ready with two little ones wanting attention. Instead of twenty minutes, it takes an hour to just apply make-up and my hair presentable. Then I have to get the little ones dressed, fed and out the door to daycare. Finally I’m on the road to work only to encounter construction and an accident back-up. I grab my latte at the coffee shop and I’m in the office by 8:30 a.m. Not too shabby.
The boss comes in whenever he feels like, usually about 9:30 a.m., and announces, “We have to do this project.” When he says “we” he means me. After barking out orders, he leaves the office with no notice of when he may return. Lunch time is not really time to eat, it’s time to grocery shop or pick things up the kids may need. I catch-up on the latest news but it’s all disturbing. Christians attacking others, Christians being attacked and other crazy drama. I have no clue who half the celebrities are in People magazine – I must be getting old. I leave about 4:00 p.m. and grab another latte on the way to pick the kids up from daycare.
But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. (Luke 6:35)
Upon arriving home with tired, whining and hungry children, I have to let the dogs out and feed them first. Then I try to play with the little ones as long as they are in the mood. I try to incorporate their world into the dinner preparations – sometimes it’s successful but most of the time it results in at least one of the little ones having a meltdown. Even on the weekends, the time between 5:00 p.m. and 6:00 p.m. is what I call the “witching hour” when the little ones are just crabby for no reason.
I try to have family meals but my husband comes home too late and I must feed the little ones or “witching hour” becomes more than an hour long. While the little ones eat, I either make dinner for the adults or catch up on housework. My hubby is good at pitching in and making dinner when he gets home. I wish I could cook all the time but I feel that my fast and furious cooking of simple recipes are not good enough for my hubby. I hope he doesn’t really feel that way and I am probably making it worse thinking that way but I can’t help it – it’s just how women think sometimes.
After the little ones are done eating, it’s bath time for them, mainly because they are messy eaters. Now the battle of the minds takes place. I have to read how the three-year old is and determine the best words to say to get her into the bath tub. Usually, I just have to make it into a competition – she hates to lose. The baby loves the bath so putting her into the tub is no issue; however, taking her out the tub ignites a scream-fest which usually lasts until the pajamas are on. Then the three-year old who didn’t want to get into the tub now doesn’t want to get out of the tub. I coax her out with a warning, “If you don’t get out now, then your TV time will be cut down.” Works like a charm.
Now it’s 6:30 p.m. and I’m hungry, sometimes a headache has started by now. The hubby watches the baby so I can eat my dinner, which is now cold. I clean up the kitchen, the dishes, the table and the high chair. About 7:00 p.m. the baby is ready for bed, this takes about thirty minutes to do. After she’s asleep, it’s time for books and games with the other child. At 8:30 p.m. she is tucked into bed. Lately, she’s been staying there and not getting up or calling out for juice or asking for her back to be rubbed. Fingers-crossed this continues to happen.
But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. (1 Timothy 5:8)
So one may think my hubby and I have time to relax and talk now. Wrong. Laundry needs to be done and the house needs to be picked up. Last night, I watched my hubby water the garden and flowers thinking how I wish he paid as much attention to me as he does to those plants. I look in the mirror and think why he would want me anyway. I’m older, wrinkles setting in, I cut my hair short for easy care and my body is pathetic looking naked – it’s completely un-toned. Plus, I smell of baby spit-up and I need to brush my teeth. I have bags under eyes because of lack of sleep. If I can’t stand to look at myself, then how can he? This is my truth.
I take a shower and start planning for the next day. I take showers at night since the morning is crazy busy and I am not sure how to find time for a shower. Afterwards, I play a few games on my phone, say my prayers and then lights outs. I lay in the dark hoping this will be the night I get at least six hours nonstop sleep.
There is life all around me. I’m surround by family and people all day but yet I’ve never felt so alone.
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)
Some may say this is depression but I don’t feel sad. I just feel nothing. The truth is I need to suck it up and start appreciating things or I will lose them. The truth is I’m failing at putting God first. The truth is I’m doubting – I’m upset at the notion of so many so-called Christians publicly displaying so much hate. How can anyone call him/herself a Christian and have so much hate? I don’t understand it.
And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. (Matthew 22:37-39)
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. (I Peter 4:8)
This my truth right now.